i may or may not be watching the land before time
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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