i need an iv and a liver transplant
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
