what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
