he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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