I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
