Just fell off a train. Bad.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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