hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
