i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Send help, water and tortillas.
i believe in u and ur pee
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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