I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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