we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
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