Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
