A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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