Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
