She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
