I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
