I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
