homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
