i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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