if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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