if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
love makes seman taste better
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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