dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
