People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
