Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
