youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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