she looked like the before picture.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
