Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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