Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
