I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
