they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
