"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
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