If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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