I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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