Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
