Fuck appropriateness.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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