Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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