don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
