Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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