i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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