you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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