Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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