people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize