my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
