morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
