then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
