and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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