Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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