So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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