when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
