holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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