If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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