Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
