my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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