Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
