I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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