So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
