That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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