you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I feel like death gave me a hand job
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
