I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
