I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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