a queef is a wish your heart makes.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
