So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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